30 August 2011

rilke was a yogi

Silent friend of many distances, feel
how your breath enlarges all of space.
Let your presence ring out like a bell
into the night. What feeds upon your face

grows mighty from the nourishment thus offered.
Move through transformation, out and in.
What is the deepest loss that you have suffered?
If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine.

In this immeasurable darkness, be the power
that rounds your senses in their magic ring,
the sense of their mysterious encounter.

And if the earthly no longer knows your name,
whisper to the silent earth: I'm flowing.
To the flashing water say: I am.

~rainer marie rilke

06 July 2011

rock bottom

i finally dragged my pitiful ass out of bed around 2pm today, after calling in sick to work.  i'm not technically physically ill, but i am sick of myself.  my heart hurts for it's gross lack of integrity toward me.  i'll keep promises to my friends all day long, but when it comes to sticking with a commitment to myself, all bets are off.  i know the rules, i know all the tricks to make it work, but i play by my own set of rules.  if i don't tell you, then you don't know then i don't disappoint anyone.  except me.  and then it all builds up and i'm hauling my soul, heavy with fear, despair & angst, along with the weight of the world, in a cumbersome steamer trunk strapped on to my tired, hunched shoulders.  i feel things deeply and this hyper-sensitivity can be a pair of concrete shoes that pulls me under.  so far today i've managed to keep close to an air supply, gulping in breaths as the waves subside.

as awakening an experience my yoga training has been, i still have so much to learn.  so much to live really.   my mantra for the past year or so has been 'self-awareness sucks sometimes'.  i mean, doesn't it?  being aware of your shit and not even being able to blame someone else for having it brought to light?  i'm one of those people i read about in the yoga philosophy books and articles who is waiting for something to happen before i can affect change.  i've thought that someday i'll hit rock bottom and that will be the sign that things can only get better.  but what is rock bottom if not what i'm experiencing today?  not showing up for work so i can contemplate suicide?  if i were being objective here, i would say, 'yep, that's pretty much as low as it gets.'  and then i'm going to go teach a yoga class tonight with the theme of 'freedom from fear'.  do you think my students will believe me?  i'm only human, but is that really an excuse when you put yourself in front of a group of eager pupils?

i'm a liar.  i lie to myself constantly to justify my less than desirable behaviors.  i live a double life.  i don't always practice what i preach.  this is dangerous and really not very fun.  i am scared.  i live in constant fear of being found out.  and i am afraid to let go of things that are treacherous, but somehow deceivingly comforting.  out of fear, i have been dishonest with therapists and friends and told my story to make me look like the victim. and while in reality i may have been young prey for abusers, it's time to let go of the old 'poor amy' story and start passing along the tale of the dignified amy.  the real amy who has built a pretty damn remarkable life for herself, not in spite of her past, but because of it.   the interesting, creative, respected amy who is abundant with self-worth and personal integrity who makes the right choices and plays by the rules.

thanks for letting me purge. be gentle with me, please - i'm feeling vulnerable and exposed.  hopeful, but still a little fearful.  i'm off to meet with ganesh, remover of obstacles and keeper of the threshold. 

04 May 2011

big dreams

here are some good tips from an inspirational woman who i follow.....

How to Be Wealthy Now (When You Wanna Get Rich Quick)

by Christine Kane woman on stage in spotlight

Here's a question to ask yourself at random times:

Am I getting? Or am I being?

When it comes to new paradigms and big dreams, think about this:

Getting somewhere is not an option. There is no there to get to.

You gotta just be there. Experience the feelings and the sheer knowingness of that thing you want.

When it comes to wealth, people often struggle because they spend their lives trying to get rich.

When you're successful, you're successful now. Artists know this principle well. You don't wait to get creative before you create. You just create. And that is what makes you creative.

The same is true with prosperity.

Sound like a load of hooey?

I understand. All I can say is that it worked (and works!) for me. Here are nine simple ways you can BE rich starting right now ...

1 - Get on a schedule.

If you have debt, or regular payments of any kind - then automate it, or put it on a schedule. Paying a tiny amount regularly is better than waiting for the big pay-day to arrive.

That's because waiting for rescue drains your creative energy. It's a stance of lack. When you schedule things, you eliminate reactivity. This liberates you.

2 - Fill your gas tank.

I was quite poor when I began my career as a songwriter. One of my poor-person habits was to put only five dollars in the tank when I went to the gas station.

One day, I decided to fill up my tank. A seemingly trivial decision, yes. But I felt so rich that I've never considered not filling up my tank since then. Try it! It does wonders for your well-being!

3 - Count Leaves.

The creator of this Universe didn't fret about abundance. There was no nail-biting and wondering whether all the trees should get leaves. "Maybe I should only put leaves on a few trees. Otherwise we might run out."

It sounds ridiculous. But that's how most of us spend our mental energy.

Count the leaves as they pop out all over this Spring! Observe sand on the beach. Watch a river for a few hours. It just keeps coming! You're a part of this flow. Remember that.

4 - Give.

The world would be quite a wild place if everyone gave constantly. Tithing is the most outrageous act of courage I know. It says, "Thank you. This isn't mine anyway, so have some of it."

Giving creates space. And space gets filled up again. If you feel poor, try giving a little away.

5 - Eliminate nail biting and other nervous habits.

Think dignity. Think Princess Grace or Katharine Hepburn. Would these women of stature and wealth ever stand in the grocery aisle biting their nails because the price of organic oat groats had gone up?

Nervous habits are acts of lack. (I call them Lactions.) Lack of trust. Lack of abundance. Begin letting go by taking a deep breath and remembering trust.

6 - Start a Gratitude Journal.

If you have the "not enoughs," then every night, write down 5 things for which you are grateful.

Remember this: Energy flows where attention goes. Put your attention on joy, beauty, wealth. Celebrate even the smallest shifts. I remember counting every dollar in my tip jar when I first performed in coffeehouses. I'd think: "That's one more dollar I made while not sitting in a cubicle! Yay me!"

7 - Get a million-dollar bill.

I got my first million-dollar bill from a gumball machine. I put it in my wallet. It's so much fun to see whenever I pay for something. I can't give you proof-positive about any subsequent million-dollar-deal I made, but I like seeing it. That's all. It reminds me to be aware of abundance.

8 - Happily pay for services.

One night, after my performance, the promoter handed me a substantial check for my fee. With a smile he said, "This is not nearly enough to pay you for this night."

Ah, to be paid like that all the time!

I try to have his attitude every time I write a check. I make sure to acknowledge the value of that service or product. The attitude with which you pay for things (the outflow) creates the manner of the in-flow. It's one big cycle.

9 - Uplevel your language.

Stop announcing: "I can't afford that."

Tell yourself instead: "I'm choosing not to do that right now."

Stop saying: "I'm broke."

Start saying: "My bank account hasn't caught up with my seven-figure business yet!"

Remember this: Your language is your creativity. It is one of the simplest places to start being rich.


Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 20,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.


See Christine's blog at ChristineKane.com/blog.

28 April 2011

shri wisdom

In time and space, amy, if you just look for what's right - in others, in relationships, in yourself and your journey - you'll always find it.

Same when looking for what's wrong.

    The Universe

check out amy ippoliti's inspiring blog post about being responsible and radically affirmed!

which totally relates to a life-changing teaching about the responsibility process (tm) i received from the super smart AND cool, christopher avery 

it takes a conscious effort to not knee jerk into blame or shame, but being responsible for my reactions has been revolutionary (or maybe EVOlutionary) in how i relate to our fellow beings.

shine on you crazy diamonds!  shine on!

25 February 2011

crazy sexy healthy & GOOFY as a six pack of billy goats

i am reading Crazy Sexy Diet by the hilarious, hot and supersmart Kris Carr.  this is not necessarily a lose weight program, but a method for nutritious vegetarian eating of pH balancing foods. 

the book is very interesting, shameless and informative - Kris (and a panel of additional experts) presents dietary facts in an amusing way that makes it easy to absorb.  i must admit, i tend to shy away from material that encourages eliminating the 'good stuff' from your diet (wheat, sugar, dairy - i love my cupcakes and i love my cheese!)

i'm only about 2/3 through the colorful tome and have learned so much.  i have not, however, put anything into play yet.  i can come up with tons of excuses to continue to indulge in alcohol, mac & cheese and brownies.  i've tried to live by the 'everything in moderation' rule, but i'm noticing that's not really working for me as i'm getting older.  despite what i've called eating pretty healthy & exercising regularly, i've gained weight and i've been sick, in pain, tired and cranky.  is it time for a change then?  kick my own ass?

i'm a vegan in principle, but not in practice.  when i eat animals, i prefer they don't resemble their live selves (no bones).  i am probably the most sensitive person to pain and suffering of animals that i've ever met (people pain, not so much).  i cannot look at a squashed squirrel on the road without welling up.  i donate what i can to the elephant sanctuary. i can't read about the torturous conditions that animals raised for food endure and forget about the heartbreak of volunteering at an animal shelter.  i ponder these things day and night - it's a burden, but i try to throw money at it without getting up close and personal to the problem.
and yet i continue to eat animals and the products they suffer to produce.   wtf?  oh, the enigma of it all.  what am i - a human being?  wait - is that an excuse too?

anyway, something that resonated with me in Crazy Sexy Diet last night after i was grossed out by reading about the pus that comes out of cow udders with the milk and mucousy poop was this:

(i'm probably going to paraphrase this ineloquently but hopefully accurately)  one of the chapters i just completed talks about how 95% of the serotonin in our bodies is produced by our guts and if you are eating poorly or are sensitive to gluten, lactose or for whatever reason not absorbing all the nutrients you need, your ability to produce serotonin is inhibited.

i am experimenting with gluten elimination now and would like to try going off my anti-dep meds. i'm scared though - being suicidal is no fun for anyone and everytime i try to go without drugs i crash. alas, i have not tried the nutritional route and frankly that scares me too. having to say no to sugar and have control over what goes in my mouth.  is that possible for me? 

why wouldn't i want to be my best self, especially when it is something under my jurisdiction?  that, dear readers, is an all together bigger, deeper topic for another time.
anyhoo, check out http://crazysexylife.com/ and the book....