06 July 2011

rock bottom

i finally dragged my pitiful ass out of bed around 2pm today, after calling in sick to work.  i'm not technically physically ill, but i am sick of myself.  my heart hurts for it's gross lack of integrity toward me.  i'll keep promises to my friends all day long, but when it comes to sticking with a commitment to myself, all bets are off.  i know the rules, i know all the tricks to make it work, but i play by my own set of rules.  if i don't tell you, then you don't know then i don't disappoint anyone.  except me.  and then it all builds up and i'm hauling my soul, heavy with fear, despair & angst, along with the weight of the world, in a cumbersome steamer trunk strapped on to my tired, hunched shoulders.  i feel things deeply and this hyper-sensitivity can be a pair of concrete shoes that pulls me under.  so far today i've managed to keep close to an air supply, gulping in breaths as the waves subside.

as awakening an experience my yoga training has been, i still have so much to learn.  so much to live really.   my mantra for the past year or so has been 'self-awareness sucks sometimes'.  i mean, doesn't it?  being aware of your shit and not even being able to blame someone else for having it brought to light?  i'm one of those people i read about in the yoga philosophy books and articles who is waiting for something to happen before i can affect change.  i've thought that someday i'll hit rock bottom and that will be the sign that things can only get better.  but what is rock bottom if not what i'm experiencing today?  not showing up for work so i can contemplate suicide?  if i were being objective here, i would say, 'yep, that's pretty much as low as it gets.'  and then i'm going to go teach a yoga class tonight with the theme of 'freedom from fear'.  do you think my students will believe me?  i'm only human, but is that really an excuse when you put yourself in front of a group of eager pupils?

i'm a liar.  i lie to myself constantly to justify my less than desirable behaviors.  i live a double life.  i don't always practice what i preach.  this is dangerous and really not very fun.  i am scared.  i live in constant fear of being found out.  and i am afraid to let go of things that are treacherous, but somehow deceivingly comforting.  out of fear, i have been dishonest with therapists and friends and told my story to make me look like the victim. and while in reality i may have been young prey for abusers, it's time to let go of the old 'poor amy' story and start passing along the tale of the dignified amy.  the real amy who has built a pretty damn remarkable life for herself, not in spite of her past, but because of it.   the interesting, creative, respected amy who is abundant with self-worth and personal integrity who makes the right choices and plays by the rules.

thanks for letting me purge. be gentle with me, please - i'm feeling vulnerable and exposed.  hopeful, but still a little fearful.  i'm off to meet with ganesh, remover of obstacles and keeper of the threshold.